Dear Toronto Nice Guy™,
I am writing in response to the lovely message you’ve been leaving us Ladies™ around the city, as seen here:
Firstly, I would like to thank you for your obviously very sincere concern. It’s been so long since such a Classy Gentleman™ has shown any regard or respect for me as a person. In fact, whenever I pass men on the street, I have become accustomed to being punched in the face, thrown into a nearby garbage can, and spat on. It’s so comforting to know that there is someone out there, fedora at the ready, who is just waiting to “crush the life out of other men that would do me harm”.
I am so sorry that your proposals for “friendly evening chats” have been rejected by all those nasty women on their way home from a tiring day at work or standing in line at Starbucks, minding their own business. How dare they not grant you, a random stranger, their time and undivided attention! As we all know, those women have spent their entire days – nay, entire lives – just dreaming about being chatted up by a Nice Guy™ like you…only to shun the opportunity without a second thought! Those bitches!
And I, for one, would be ever so grateful if a big, strong man such as you offered to help me, a Fragile Delicate Lady™, carry my two bags of groceries to my car. Whenever I go to the grocery store, if there are no Men™ around to help me, I have no choice but to put my grocery bags on the ground and kick them across the lot to my car. My Delicate Lady Hands™ just can’t handle the stress. This method is unfortunately very inefficient and results in a lot of damaged goods. I don’t even bother buying apples or bananas anymore. But with you…I’d be able to have all the easily-bruised fruit I could ever eat!
It’s true; there are far too many men in this world who are, indeed, scum. And we, with our delicate and naive Lady Brains™, need help protecting ourselves from them. Thankfully, it’s clear that you are one of the Good Guys™. One who, for the extremely admirable act of treating Ladies™ like human beings, only asks for one tiny thing in return – sexual and/or romantic validation! After all, you were Nice™ to us! You held open the door, didn’t catcall or degrade us (to our faces, anyway), and walked us five steps to our cars! We OWE you! As we all know, each act of Niceness™ earns you one coupon for a sexual and/or romantic favour, to be cashed whenever you see fit. And of course, if the Lady™ refuses to accept your coupon, it absolutely entitles you to a tantrum. After all, why would you be nice to anyone if you didn’t get anything in return? What would be the point? General human respect? Pfft.
To think that you are losing sleep over women’s personal life choices…oh, how it pains me so! If only these women could see that you are our true saviour, our true knight in shining armour. Mark my words, I have seen the light. Please, Sir Nice Guy™. I am your damsel in distress, waiting atop my tower of despair, where I was locked by a band of Asshole Other Men™. Come free me. I promise, for the noble act of treating me like a human being, I offer you unlimited blowjobs for as long as we both shall live.
My panties are dropping as I type, fuelled by the sheer force of desire emanating from my vagina.
All of my love,
If you’d like to read more on my thoughts about Nice Guys™, please click here!