an open letter to the random old man i passed on the street-corner one morning

Dear random old man I passed on the street-corner one morning,

The morning began like many others: I woke up, ruing the three glasses of wine and four gin and sodas I’d consumed the night before, not to mention the chicken nuggets I’d subsequently drunkenly shame-eaten in my bed. The empty ripped-apart McDonald’s bag lay on the floor, eliciting as much regret as a used condom beside a college girl’s bed the morning after a questionable Tinder date. I pulled myself together best I could and mentally prepared myself for the long day of peddling mediocre vegan food that lay ahead.

Continue reading “an open letter to the random old man i passed on the street-corner one morning”

the most awkward date ever

About a year ago, while hanging out with a friend of a friend, I was complaining about how emotionally exhausted I was by online dating and seeking romance in general.  She mentioned how she’d been speaking to a couple guys herself, and that she’d be happy to pass one along to me.  She gave me the guy’s number and let him know someone would be contacting him.  Thus began one of the most confusing experiences of my life.

Continue reading “the most awkward date ever”

in re: “trump won because leftist political correctness inspired terrifying backlash”

In the days since the Earth-shattering victory of sentient Cheeto Donald Trump in this year’s US presidential election, the swirl of, well…things happening has been constant.  Thinkpieces galore, Facebook and IRL friendships crumbling, protests, and the rise of hate crimes against racial minorities.  Overwhelming media and celebrity support made it seem like Hillary was a shoo-in for Prez.  Thus, many of us were left devastated and reeling from the results, leading us to all collectively shout, what the fuck happened?

Really, there’s a million and one reasons why Hillary missed the long overdue title of First Female President.  Sexism, racism, general bigotry, a (misguided, IMO) desire for someone outside the system to enter the system, the DNC shut-out of Bernie Sanders (side note: remember when we had an inkling of hope that Bernie might be our next president? Ah, the follies of early 2016), media that misled us to believe Hillary was going to win regardless so not voting or voting third party wouldn’t doom us to a Trump presidency…the list goes on.  But in the process of trying to untangle this very complicated web, one man places the blame almost solely on one thing: Political Correctness. Continue reading “in re: “trump won because leftist political correctness inspired terrifying backlash””

a Lady™’s reply to the Toronto Nice Guy™

Dear Toronto Nice Guy™,

I am writing in response to the lovely message you’ve been leaving us Ladies™ around the city, as seen here:

nice guy

Firstly, I would like to thank you for your obviously very sincere concern.  It’s been so long since such a Classy Gentleman™ has shown any regard or respect for me as a person.  In fact, whenever I pass men on the street, I have become accustomed to being punched in the face, thrown into a nearby garbage can, and spat on.  It’s so comforting to know that there is someone out there, fedora at the ready, who is just waiting to “crush the life out of other men that would do me harm”.

I am so sorry that your proposals for “friendly evening chats” have been rejected by all those nasty women on their way home from a tiring day at work or standing in line at Starbucks, minding their own business.  How dare they not grant you, a random stranger, their time and undivided attention!  As we all know, those women have spent their entire days – nay, entire lives – just dreaming about being chatted up by a Nice Guy™ like you…only to shun the opportunity without a second thought!  Those bitches!

And I, for one, would be ever so grateful if a big, strong man such as you offered to help me, a Fragile Delicate Lady™, carry my two bags of groceries to my car.  Whenever I go to the grocery store, if there are no Men™ around to help me, I have no choice but to put my grocery bags on the ground and kick them across the lot to my car.  My Delicate Lady Hands™ just can’t handle the stress.  This method is unfortunately very inefficient and results in a lot of damaged goods.  I don’t even bother buying apples or bananas anymore.  But with you…I’d be able to have all the easily-bruised fruit I could ever eat!

It’s true; there are far too many men in this world who are, indeed, scum.  And we, with our delicate and naive Lady Brains™, need help protecting ourselves from them.  Thankfully, it’s clear that you are one of the Good Guys™.  One who, for the extremely admirable act of treating Ladies™ like human beings, only asks for one tiny thing in return – sexual and/or romantic validation!  After all, you were Nice™ to us!  You held open the door, didn’t catcall or degrade us (to our faces, anyway), and walked us five steps to our cars!  We OWE you!  As we all know, each act of Niceness™ earns you one coupon for a sexual and/or romantic favour, to be cashed whenever you see fit.  And of course, if the Lady™ refuses to accept your coupon, it absolutely entitles you to a tantrum.  After all, why would you be nice to anyone if you didn’t get anything in return?  What would be the point?  General human respect?  Pfft.

To think that you are losing sleep over women’s personal life choices…oh, how it pains me so!  If only these women could see that you are our true saviour, our true knight in shining armour.  Mark my words, have seen the light.  Please, Sir Nice Guy™.  I am your damsel in distress, waiting atop my tower of despair, where I was locked by a band of Asshole Other Men™.  Come free me.  I promise, for the noble act of treating me like a human being, I offer you unlimited blowjobs for as long as we both shall live.

My panties are dropping as I type, fuelled by the sheer force of desire emanating from my vagina.

All of my love,

A Lady™

If you’d like to read more on my thoughts about Nice Guys™, please click here!